


Aidan's Garden

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 06:51:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Jade





	Aidan's Garden

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimers:
> 
> Naughty Words: Yes.
> 
> Violence: Um, no. Not that I can think of.
> 
> Spoilers: A few for Paradise Found.
> 
> Subtext/Hettext: Yes. (Najara/Gabrielle Xena/Ares)
> 
> Sex: Nope.
> 
> Humor: It's all humor, baby.
> 
> Characters: Xena: Warrior Princess is owned by MCA/Universal. No profit is being made nor will it ever be. No copyright infringement is intended.

Hmm, he sounds cute. Alti thought, while applying a perfect deer-blood streak on her forehead. She didn't know who he was, she had never laid her heavily charcoaled eyes on him before, but she knew one thing in her insidiously evil heart: His soul was hers! She turned her attention back to the personal ad scroll she was reading.

The ad read:

One S/W/M seeks S/W/F (or anyone really) as a mate. Must love goodness, pretentiousness, and a bit of a good soul sucking from time to time. Evil or not evil--doesn't matter. Please send me a scroll or jump down a hole in a cave bordering India. Thank you.

Ad #321 -Aidan

_Should I answer it? Should I really answer it? It's been so long since I've messed with someone's mind the old fashion way. A date. I'll do it!_

Grabbing an inkwell filled with horse-blood, Alti began to scribe an answer message in reply to Aidan's personal ad.

When she was finished, it read:

Dear #321 Aidan,

Your ad caught my attention. Despite your obvious desperation, and your desire to soul suck, I think I like you. Isn't it scary?

<p.i'm a="" lonely="" evil="" shamaness="" looking="" for="" mr.="" right.="" fair="" warning,="" if="" you're="" wrong,="" expect="" to="" be="" tortured="" in="" ways="" you've="" never="" dreamed="" of.="" (expect="" that="" even="" i="" kind="" of="" like="" the="" idea="" it.)<="" p="">

I'd really rather not jump down a hole, but if that's what it takes, let me know.

Write back or I'll curse your fucking first born.

Alti  
Evil Shamaness Extrodinaire

Satisfied with the way her message came out, she attached it to a half-dead carrier pigeon and shooed it on its way. _He better reply. Hey, I wonder why even my subconscious speaks to me in a screechy whisper._

* * *

Aidan sighed, and looked down at the single message he had received in response to his personal ad. _Everyone must've been writing to that guy Ares. What a Looooser._

He stared at it oddly. It was written on mangled buckskin, and the ink looked to be some kind of blood. _Well, it could be worse. I could be sitting here with no scrolls at all to open. Think pleasant Aidan, please._ Pushing aside bad thoughts, he began to read. A moment later his lips moved to form a slight smirk. _She sounds dreamy!_

Grabbing a fresh piece of parchment and a quill, he wrote his reply.

Dearest Alti,

I can tell you have no good inside of you, yet I'm drawn to you. Have you conjured up some gross love spell, and cursed me with it? I admit, the idea of it is so deliciously evil I'm almost turned on.

I should let you know, I have a huge white head on my forhead; it's directly in the center.

Do you have any hobbies I should know about? I like to lure people with good souls into my own realm, then suck out all their goodness from them; it's the only way to go for me when I want to get juiced. Have I revealed too much? Have I frightened you? Let me know.

Aidan  
p.s. Since you're a shamaness and all, shouldn't getting together be a rather easy feat? Or is that not in your Shamaness rule book? How to travel quickly, without all the fuss?

Sealing the message, he slapped it on the back of an unhappy finch, and threw it out a window. Damn thing knew where it was going.

* * *

Alti laughed when she received a new scroll from Aidan. Her day had started out so crappy! First she had woken up to that nasty smell, and then realized it was just her. That's always bad on the self-esteem. Then she rolled over in bed and found a bunch of dead people in it. She just hated when she forgot to move them before she went to sleep!

Sitting down on an ottoman made out of cute little bunnies, she opened the scroll.

Dearest Alti,

Let's meet! Seriously, no more scrolls. Come and visit me in India. It's a very spiritual place. I'm sure you'll love it.

Aidan

She answered with a scroll of her own.

Aidan,

I'll be there before you can say: "Give me your pain. Give it to me!" Or maybe not. Expect me soon!

Alti

She sent the scroll, then began to pack.

* * *

Alti sighed in relief. She had finally reached the cave after several arduous months of journey. Walking to the giant hole Aidan described, she cursed anyone who dared enter the cave after her and jumped.

Since screaming would be unshamaness-like, she growled loudly until she hit the ground with a thud.

Looking around, she almost puked. Aidan had seduced her away from her dirty, lice infested yurt, and brought her to this place of Tartarus! Everywhere she looked there were cute little bunny rabbits, chirping birds and even a turtle. All were serene, and what was worse, they were all HAPPY.

Feeling the ground around her for her missing antler hat, she finally located it, and placed it on her head. Adjusting the beads to stick to the liberally coated blood on her forehead, she only hoped she could stink _enough_ for him. She had tried her hardest to smell rancid today.

A small yellow finch landed on her leg. Staring at it, she whispered in her throaty I-can-inhale-cigars-so-quickly-it-will-make-you-weep trademark voice, "I'll make your insane chirping turn to the screams of all your little worm victims in less than a second. You wanna try me?"

The finch was smart and flew away instantly.

"Smart bird." she said, glaring at it as it flew away.

_Well, he said to call him when I get here. I'll try. Hope he hasn't found another evil girlfriend while I journeyed here. I'll kill him. On second thought, I hope he has found a girlfriend, I'd like to kill him. Oh, Alti, stop! You'll never find a man with those nasty thoughts. Though, honestly, who could want a man when you've had Xena? Heheh, and Borias just thought we were playing "healer." Moron._

"Aiiiiidan," she called out, hoping the man would hear her. With no answer, she tried again, this time using her loudest volume whisper possible, "Aiiiiidan!"

Still no reply.

Not waiting for an answer, she decided to venture up to the only giant house in the garden of Gabrielle, as she was sure it was named that.

She noticed the tiled floor first. Blue and white. Interesting. Next were the numerous blue clay statues. _Ahhhh, he never told me he turned his soul-sucking into an art!_

Aidan's day was going all right. Not his best day in a while. No one had fallen into his hole in weeks! _I wonder if I should start changing the colors of my "statues"? A nice greenish yellow might look nice..._ His thoughts trailed off when he saw her.

She was beautiful. Her eyes were charcoaled to perfection. Her forehead was lathered in blood and had beads stuck to it; the beads dangled from the most magnificent hat Aidan had ever seen.

He placed his hands together, as though praying to the divine blue statue god, and lowered his head slightly. "Alti, welcome to my home."

Alti studied him. He was a fair enough looking man. Just her type really. A big white thing on his forehead. Perfect. If his forehead went unadorned she didn't know if she'd be able to stay with the man. While the silk clothing he wore wanted to make her gag, she realized they were nice enough in the summer if one didn't want to wear any underwear.

They continued to stare at each other from a comfortable distance until Alti said, "Horrible to meet you, Aidan."

He smiled. "Same here." He gestured toward a large door leading to his living room. "Please, come into my home."

She walked past him into the living room, and grinned as he said, "You smell wonderful!"

It had all been worth it.

* * *

Xena cracked open an eyelid and almost cried at what she saw. She and Gabrielle were back in Aidan's land of happy. All his, all happy.

Seeing that Gabrielle was laying beside her, one of her hands busy fondling an extremely happy bunny, she said, "Gabrielle, leave the bunny alone."

"No."

Ignoring the word no, Xena grabbed the bunny by the back of the neck and threw it as far as she could. "Do you recognize where we are?"

Gabrielle, still in shock over Xena throwing the bunny, was unable to reply.

"Gabrielle!"

Snapping out of it, she replied, "We're in Aidan's hole."

"Oh please don't describe it like that. That's disgusting."

"You're denying that we're in his hole?"

"That's sick." She paused a moment, before answering with, "But no, we are in his hole."

"I hope he can feel us in his hole."

"I'd like to tear him another one," Xena said, watching as the bunny began to limp back toward Gabrielle from the other side of the field.

Both women jumped up and moved away as another person fell into Aidan's hole.

The person was Joxer. He looked up at them, dazed, and gave them the thumbs up sign before he passed out.

"How the Hades did he get here?" Gabrielle asked. "I mean, he didn't even know we were coming to India."

"I didn't either. This is all news to me," Xena said. "We already came here. I killed Aidan, why am I stuck in his hole?!"

"I don't know why we're here. Why don't we go to his house?"

Gabrielle leaned over Joxer, and aimed her hand. She was planning on hitting him awake, when Xena's vice-like grip stopped her.

"Gabrielle, I think we hit Joxer too much."

"You're not serious?!" Gabrielle exclaimed.

Xena laughed. Letting go of Gabrielle's hand, she said, "Go right ahead. I'd never deprive you of your moron-slapping. I know how cranky you get when I do."

"Oh, you almost had me there, Xena." Gabrielle squinted against the sunlight, trying to decide which angle to hit Joxer at before smacking him. Finally deciding, she smacked him, hard.

Joxer, previously unconscious, sat straight up and yelled, "What did ya do that for?!" Seeing that it was Gabrielle who hit him, he smiled. "Aw, gee, thanks Gabby!"

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. Xena rolled her eyes and kicked a turtle across the field, while shooting a warning glance at the bunny that was still limping toward Gabrielle.

"Where are we? One minute I was with Meg, er...um...I mean, I was with Meg, talking, just talking...and suddenly I fell down that hole!" Joxer winced, as Gabrielle moved, afraid she might suddenly attack.

"So we're all here, but we don't know why," Gabrielle said.

"What were you and Xena doing when you fell down the hole?" Joxer asked innocently.

Gabrielle shot a look at Xena, and raised an eyebrow in her best impression of the warrior. "We were...uh, talking."

"Like me and Meg!"

"Exactly like you and Meg," Gabrielle said, grinning.

"Well, it's a little different. You see, when Gabrielle and I talk, we use our tongues a lot. You and Meg probably don't use them at all," Xena said.

"Xena!" Gabrielle warned.

"What?"

"You know what!"

"I don't get it," Joxer said, plucking a blade of grass from the ground and sticking it between his teeth.

Xena rolled her eyes again. _Give it up, Xena. He'll never get it._ She narrowed her eyes. _Especially from Gabrielle._

"Gabrielle, Joxer, let's go," Xena said, grabbing the small knapsack she had fallen into the hole with.

"Go where?" Joxer wondered.

"See that huge house over there?" Xena asked, pointing to Aidan's house.

"Yeah."

"Most probably over there. Unless Gabrielle has to take a side trip to pee again. As much as it kills her pissing on nature and all."

"HEY!" Gabrielle shouted. "That's personal--" she broke off as the limping bunny finally got to her, untouched by Xena. Picking it up, she petted it. "Cute bunny."

"Dead bunny," Xena said softly.

"What was that?"

"Um, nothing. Can we go, my Queen?" Xena asked, bowing sarcastically to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle smiled. "Certainly, Princess."

* * *

Najara didn't know why she was there, but she knew she loved it. It was beautiful. The flowers, the birds, the small little bunny rabbit that was rubbing itself against her leg. All of the animals. They were beautiful creatures of the light. Sadly, there was no darkness where she landed that she could smite.

It was funny, but the last thing she remembered was grabbing Gabrielle's short blonde hair that looked suspiciously a lot like her own, and asking her if she heard them. The Jinn really didn't like when no one else heard them. Then she was fighting with Xena and then everything went blank. Completely blank. And where was her hat? _Okay, so where exactly have I been for all this time?_ she wondered. _I just fell down a hole into paradise, into the light. That's it. I'm in the light!_

"Light! I have finally made it! I'm here! Wrap your beautiful arms around me and take me into your bliss! I want to feel it! And make the Jinn shut up! I haven't had a decent night's sleep in years!" she yelled out into the garden.

Receiving no response didn't stop her. "Smother me with your goodness like a pillow on an old person's face! Please..."

_**Najara, it's the Jinn here.** _

"Go away. I'm in the light."

_**Babe, this ain't the light.** _

"Yes it IS!"

_**So, on a totally different subject...what have you been up to lately? We haven't heard from you in _ages_.** _

"Ahhhhrgh!"

_**Chill, Jar. We're out of here. For now anyway. Bwhahaha.** _

Najara sat down on a rock and pouted. The Jinn had left her for a little while, that much was good. But if they were still here, didn't that mean that she really wasn't in the light? Where was she? And why was that bunny rubbing up against her leg like that?!

Picking up the bunny, she looked into its eyes and said, "You are an evil bunny. If you don't turn toward the light, I'll cook you for dinner. And if I'm hungry enough, turning to the light won't help ya, pal. You have three hours."

She put the bunny down next to an equally sinful finch, and stood up. Stretching her arms, she finally noticed the gigantic house sitting in the middle of the garden. _Guess I'll go there._

_**We'll go with you!** _

_Damn._

* * *

Alti picked at her food with a wooden fork. The dinner was going better than she had expected. Aidan was positively charming. He hadn't talked to her the entire meal. She admired that in a man. Another thing she also admired was the bead of sweat trailing its way down his bald head. Perspiration was so sexy. She knew he'd feel the same way when she finally took her antler hat off and her hair was plastered to her head.

She was about to take it off when a most unwelcome group of people entered Aidan's living room.

Aidan almost choked on a piece of lamb. Xena and Gabrielle back in his hole? How dare they! Uninvited even!

"What are you doing here?" Alti asked, hurrying to rearrange her hat.

"That's what I'd like to know," Xena said. Gesturing toward Joxer she said, "That's Joxer. I believe you already know Gabrielle."

"Hello Joxer," Aidan said, bowing his head and clasping his hands together, "welcome to my home."

"Your yurt is unworthy of my presence," Joxer said. Seeing Xena's look, he said, "What? Was it something I said?"

"Oh great, you told Joxer about Ch'in?" Gabrielle asked Xena, not at all happy with the idea of Xena telling all of her nasty warlord stories to Joxer.

"I was really drunk, I couldn't help myself. He was there, he was an ear, you know?"

"No. Don't talk to me."

"This is all very touching," Alti flung her half-eaten leg of lamb at Xena, "but if you all don't mind, we're having dinner."

"I mind." Xena said, deftly catching the leg of lamb.

 

"So do I," Najara added.

The grin disappeared.

Everyone turned around and stared at Najara.

"Who is that?" Alti asked Xena.

"You should know. You showed me her kicking my ass in a vision," Xena replied.

"Najara! Baby cakes!" Gabrielle ran to Najara and squished her in a bard death-lock hug. "Where have you been?"

"I don't know," Najara answered.

_**We know.** _

"SHUT UP!"

"What?" Gabrielle asked, almost scared at her other set of baby cakes.

"Nothing. Just the Jinn."

_**Just the Jinn. Just the Jinn. Is that all you think of us? We're 'Just the Jinn.' We don't think we appreciate that. You are so mean to us. Hey, there's some evil in this room to smite.** _

"Evil. Evil to smite. Darkness. DARKNESS!" Grabbing Joxer's hair, Najara yelled, "You heard them! Tell me you heard them!"

"I-I uh, I...sure! Sure thing...Najara was it? I heard them loud and clear!"

_**He's lying. He just thinks you're cute.** _

Xena casually stepped up to Najara and bitch-slapped her hard across the face.

_**Why we oughta!** _

_**Jara? Babe? Ya still with us? Oh no. She's out again!** _

Najara crumbled into a pile of passed out flesh at Xena's feet. Xena picked her up and placed her in a chair across from Aidan.

"She'll be out for a while. No one touch her."

"Oh like we would've anyway. What do you take us for? Evil people?" Aidan stood up, and placed a flower in Xena's hair. "No hard feelings, okay?"

"Why are you still alive? I know I killed you."

Aidan paused, unsure of how to answer. "Well, the old turning to ashes trick is just that. An illusion."

 

"My sword going through your stomach was no illusion." Xena frowned. Looking at Alti, she added, "And I thought I killed you twice."

"Yes," Alti also stood up, and walked over to Aidan, "you killed me twice. But my evil always returns. Besides, who was going to feed my cute little gold fish?" She dug into a pocket no one even knew was there, and produced a very dead, very rotted gold fish. "His name is Henrius. I've had him since I was five."

"Well, Aidan, I think at the very least you could treat us all to a bath and a warm meal. We didn't ask to land in your hole."

Aidan blanched at her wording, then pointed them through a dark corridor.

"Tub's down the hall."

Sparing Najara one last glance, she said, "And remember, no one touch her." Staring at Gabrielle, she added, "Especially you."

Gabrielle tried her best to look innocent. "I wasn't planning on it, Xena. I love you."

 

Alti chortled. "And Xena loves _everyone_."

"No one asked you, Smelly."

* * *

Glancing at Najara, Aidan wondered where she came from and how she got into his hole. _I had better get some better hole security. People are dropping into my hole like I'm the freakin soup kitchen. There's probably a line out there._

He took another bite of his lamb, the piece that had managed to stay on his plate, and spared a look at Alti. _I hate her. I hate her. It must be love!_ "So how are we going to deal with our unexpected guests?" he asked between chews, ignoring the old, "don't chew with your mouth full" rule his mother always chanted to him. He knew it would turn Alti on.

"I say we steal their souls." Alti took off her hat, giving him a full view of her sweaty head.

"Agreed."

"Now what we need to do is figure out how to do it." Alti grabbed a piece of parchment and a bothersome finch she had stuffed into her bag just incase she needed a pen. Poking a hole into it with a stick, she began to write out a plan. "All right, I figure we can get Joxer, that's the clumsy fool incase you weren't paying attention, and turn him into a statue. Gabrielle, the most irritating of the group, should also be turned into a statue."

"I turned her into one once already. Well, not completely though."

"Good, she's broken in."

"Yeah."

"I figure we can attack them all with these special little spider's of mine."

"Okay."

"And that will throw them off."

"It definitely will."

Aidan picked up the parchment she was writing on and added, "Soul sucking starts tomorrow."

Najara woke up as Alti cackled in an evil whisper. "I'm going to tell them your evil plan!" she said, spying the bloody parchment.

"You won't!" Alti said. She stared at Najara intently.

Najara was suddenly stuck in a vision. A giant spider was chasing her. It had the body of a spider and the head of Xena. It was laughing insanely as it chased her. "I'm going to eat you, hospice builder!" it screamed out as it managed to take a bite out of her leg.

_**Gods, that's scary. Side with them, Jara. You'll be better off.** _

_But surely the Jinn don't agree with siding with evil._

_**Jara, the Jinn side with anyone when their host is threatened with being devoured whole by a giant spider with the head of their worst enemy. Live with it.** _

_Okay._

"Um, I'll side with you two. They're losers anyway," she said, scratching at her head. "Do you have lice?" she asked Alti.

"Maybe." Alti scratched her own head. "Usually the hat contains them, but sometimes they get loose. Sorry."

"It's okay. Maybe I can give them to Xena."

Alti put an arm around Najara. "I think you working with us is going to be a fantastic experience. But don't touch Aidan, he's mine. Especially his soul."

"Sure thing." Najara said, a little scared.

_**Us Jinn never thought we'd say this, Jara. But that chick's a freak. More than you.** _

* * *

Xena and Gabrielle sat in the hot tub together.

"Gods, this is bliss," Gabrielle said as she surfaced from underneath the water.

"Yeah, sure. Listen, I want to be alone and read the paper. Do you think you could get out?"

"What?" Gabrielle looked at her, anger written all over her normally peace-loving features.

"You know how I get when we're in Aidan's hole. I don't want to accidentally break your fingers or something."

"True. I'll go do some yoga with Najara."

"Isn't she unconscious?"

"Yep, all the more reason."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

Gabrielle got out of the tub, and changed into her yoga clothes. She wondered why Xena was completely ignoring her, then realized her friend's face was buried in _The Corinthian_.

When Gabrielle exited the room and closed the door behind her, Xena let out a long drawn out sigh. It felt good to be alone. She skimmed the paper for the good parts, glad that she didn't have to seem interested in world peace any longer. Once she hit the personal ads, she stopped.

The first ad read:

S/W/M. 30something demi-god. Seeking anything that moves and is not afraid to die. Iolaus, I'll do you if I have to.

I enjoy saving people from bad guys and having sex with lots of different women. I'll try to stay monogamous with you. I will, really.

I have big muscles and that's not all.

Hercules Ad#42

 _Ooh, sweet! I wonder if I should reply to it and let him know how much of a loser he is. He should put, "I'll never love any other woman the way I love you until after Hera kills you,"_ Xena thought while flipping the page.

The next ad read:

S/W/M. 30somethingish. King of Thieves. Impressive title, no? I'll steal your heart if you let me. (As well as your wallet, but don't let that get in the way of our future budding relationship, okay?)

Seeking an older, dignified, very rich, terminally ill sugar-mama. When replying to this ad, send me twenty dinars to show me how much you're interested.

Thank you.

Autolycus Ad#10

_Hmm, I wonder if I reply to this one without sending him any dinars if he'll answer me._

S/W/M. Immortal. Single dark sultry God of War is looking for a dark sultry beauty to conquer the world with.

I like maiming, killing, and general destruction. War is my hobby, I hope it's yours too. Don't answer this ad if you're not Xena. I miss you, please come back to me. That whole Gabrielle being your successor thing was a bunch of bull. I saw her hug a tree and it scared me, Xena. Scared me.

I promise you can kick Discord's ass at least once a year. And I'll give you a massage any time you want. Please don't answer Hercules' ad. You know how much I hate him.

Ares Ad#552

 _Gods, he sounds more pathetic each time The Corinthian goes to print. Will he ever stop?_ She grabbed a quill that was sitting on the side of the tub, and dipped it in ink. Circling the ad, she left a small note in her mind to reply to it as soon as possible. He really was cute when he groveled.

Before she even put down the paper, Ares appeared in front of her.

"What's with you always interrupting my bathing time?"

"Can you really blame me?"

"What do you want?"

"I know you're going to answer my ad. Let me say right now, I accept."

"I considered answering your ad. I haven't done it yet."

Ares shook his head. "Yes, but you will."

Gabrielle was angry that Xena had ignored her and had a sneaking suspicion that the warrior only wanted her gone simply so she could stop pretending to be interested in the actual news. She walked back to the bathingroom, about to give the warrior princess a piece of her bardly mind, when she opened the door and saw red. Bright red. Bright blazing red.

"Gabrielle," Ares waved his arms around nervously, "it's not what you think!"

"What is it then?" she asked, her vision still not clear of that irritating red. _Come to think of it, I could probably get away with killing them right now, because it would be an impulse killing. Hmm. Too bad I can't kill the bastard._

"Xena and I," Ares smiled smugly, "Were about to have sex. So," he gestured toward the door, "Leave please."

Gabrielle arched a finely sculpted, painfully waxed eyebrow, "Is this true?" she asked Xena.

Xena shrugged. "I considered it."

Gabrielle turned around so she didn't have to look at either one of them. She took a deep, calming breath, then said, "Fine. I'm going to do Najara, and quite frankly, I don't care if she remembers it."

Ares watched as Gabrielle exited the bathingroom. "She is such a loser."

* * *

Alti watched Gabrielle surreptitiously from her lawn chair in Aidan's garden. She was sitting under a nice poplar tree, that was filled to the brim with chatter happy finches. She had already issued them a poop warning. One poop and they would all be in finch nothingness, not allowed to pass over to their finch bliss.

She sipped on her mead, and waited for the bard to start doing yoga. She had already instructed Najara and Joxer to do it 'with her', so all would look normal.

Aidan looked up from his Mz. Warlord magazine. "Are you sure this is going to work? She knows she turns blue the moment she goes still..."

"It'll work, trust me," Alti said, placing her antler hat on the ground beside her chair.

Gabrielle, instead of talking to Najara and Joxer like Alti and Aidan had suspected she would do, kissed the woman full on the mouth.

Najara looked shocked. "Gabrielle, what was that for?"

 _ **'Cause she likes your personality nutbag,**_ The Jinn informed her.

_I am not a nutbag._

_**You're a nutbag if The Jinn, which is us by the way, tells you that you are a nutbag. So what are you?**_ The Jinn demanded.

 _I'm a nutbag,_ she admitted with a mind sniffle.

Najara pushed Gabrielle away from her. "Gabrielle, let's do yogi."

"What?"

"You know, yogi..."

"No, I don't."

"I'm yogi," Joxer huffed, puffing out his chest and making his one chest hair stand strong in the slight breeze.

"You're something," Gabrielle said taking hold of his one chest hair, "but yogi isn't it." She pulled; he screamed. "So there."

_**It's yoga, moron. Jeez Jara, can't you do anything right?** _

_Shut up. Shut up!_ Najara quickly corrected herself, "I meant yoga. Spiritual enlightenment and all that sap happy croc of horseshit."

_**If we weren't your Jinn, we would take a bar of soap to that mouth.** _

Gabrielle blinked. "Xena's doing Ares right now, so yeah, I guess yoga would be just the right thing for me to do before I kill you all with my blind rage."

_**Hey, maybe if you ask her if she heard us now, she'd say yes.** _

_I'm not saying anything about you guys. You only get me in trouble. You're like drugs only I don't feel happy._ Najara was beginning to get confused carrying on two conversations at once.

"So, how do we start this yoga?"

"Well first we need to purge our emotions," Gabrielle said. She shot Alti and Aidan a wary look. "Joxer, get over here."

Joxer scurried over to where Gabrielle was sitting. One hand was over his chest where his newest "injury" was. "Yes Gabrielle?"

"Hold your breath for as long as you can," Gabrielle instructed him.

Aidan got up and stood beside Alti. He held the magazine out to her. "What about this outfit for you? I think you'd look wonderful."

Alti studied the page. The outfit was nice. It was made out of leather, skin tight by the looks of it. It had a nice hat that could be worn with or without blood. "This is nice. How much is it?"

"Don't worry about the price. I have India Express. I'll charge it."

"An evil shamaness could really get to like a guy with an India Express card," she winked at him, "But only, of course, if you have a five thousand dinar limit."

"Five thousand is for pitiful fools. I'm a ten thousand limit man. Please Alti, sink my soul into endless debt by charging worthless trinkets on my credit card. Would you please?"

Alti grinned. "Of course."

"And get that outfit in navy blue. You'll look so hot!" At Alti's look he quickly changed his wording, "I mean, you'll be equally as hot as you are right this moment, maggots and all!"

Joxer was turning blue all on his own.

Gabrielle, in the middle of necking Najara and The Jinn, never noticed the arrival of two very large, very scary things.

_**Jara, check it out, there's like, a huge Gab spider over there.** _

Najara looked up, and thanked the gods she had done nothing to piss off Alti. Standing before them were two monster sized Gabrielle spiders. As tall as Ares himself, they were each as wide as an elephant and had a huge Gabrielle head.

"Uh, Gabrielle," she warned. When the bard didn't heed her cries and continued to give her a hickey, she was forced the pry the little bacchae's lips from her throat, "look!"

"Sovereign's Crack Strap!" Gabrielle exclaimed, "What in the name of Hercules' dead wives have I done to deserve this?"

Alti tore her eyes away from Aidan's Mz. Warlord magazine to watch as her Gab spiders started to attack. _It took me long enough to bring the beasts to life, I might as well enjoy them._

Aidan twirled a strand of her hair thick with coagulated blood around his finger, "This is all I could've hoped for and more, my evil shamaness."

"And your perfect world is enough to make my eyes fill up with unshed ... wait, what are those things called again?"

"Tears!" Joxer wheezed.

"Yes, those things," Alti glanced at him sharply, "But who asked you?"

"Sorry," Joxer managed to utter, despite not having breathed in nearly a half an hour.

"Alti what is the meaning of this?" Gabrielle asked her. "These spiders could be off in some poor part of Ch'in teaching children how to speak Greek or something."

Gab Spider number one, also known as Beatrice, decided to speak up. "Hey, I'll have you know I'm a camp counselor when I'm not enslaved in the putrid body of a giant spider."

"Yeah," huffed Gab Spider number two, also known as Juanita. "I'm a seamstress, and I help orphans find homes in my spare time."

"So what do you do?" Beatrice asked.

"Yeah, how are you helpful?" Juanita wondered.

Together, the two spider Gabs began an attack with questions aimed at Gabrielle.

"What is your contribution to the world?"

"Do you do anything but give people hickeys?"

"How do you learn things so quick? Is it magic?"

"Are you and Xena lezbeans?"

"We heard that you were."

"Do you think Xena would be willing to trade you in for a giant spider version of yourself? She's hot!"

Alti stood up on her lawn chair. "Spiders, you are not supposed to be chatting. Kill her!"

"What for?" Beatrice asked.

"Um, helloooooo? Did I or did I not tell you to take her to some cave and eat her alive?"

"That's my job," Najara blurted out before she could cover her mouth with her hands.

 _ **Najara, way to say it, girlfriend!**_ The Jinn cheered her on.

Alti sighed. "Aidan, where's your giant shoe?"

Aidan concentrated. He silently let one rip. Suddenly two giant shoes formed out of thin air and crushed poor Beatrice and Juanita with an audible splat.

Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders at the display of violence, and continued necking Najara. "Want to find a cave?"

Najara pushed her away for the second time. "Let's stay completely still."

"Fine, but only if we go to some cave and find a hole," she shot Aidan and Alti an accusing glare, " One that isn't Aidan's."

"She's an uppity little snot, isn't she?" Alti asked Aidan.

"Yes, but she'd make a great lawn decoration. She'd match perfectly with all the little gnomes," Aidan pouted as he looked at his little gnomes. "I love gnomes."

"How much do you love them?" Alti narrowed her heavily charcoaled eyes, "Because I don't want to date a gnome lover, you know? I've been there and done that and let me tell you, it's no fun trying to compete against a two foot forest dweller."

Aidan once again reached for her blood crusted hair. Finding a suitable strand, he latched on to it like a hungry Stregoy. "Don't worry, if I loved the gnomes, would I have turned them into statues?"

"True," Alti said. It sounded logical at least.

Najara laid on top of Gabrielle, and together they strove to be absolutely still. It worked. In a very short amount of time Gabrielle was a blue statue; she had the misfortune of being turned with an eternal look of constipation on her face. Joxer, who was laying beside them, also turned into a statue. He had unfortunately turned into an orange one.

Aidan kicked him. "He doesn't match the rest of my yard."

"Maybe I can shrink him down or something and we can stick him on our chariot dashboard," Alti offered as an alternative.

"That's pretty good. We'll put him in a skirt though, it's just fitting."

"Whatever," Alti said.

Najara pulled at her hair. "Can I leave now?"

"I don't know how you got in here," Aidan said.

"I can still here them."

"Hear who?" Aidan asked.

"The Jinn." Najara jumped from atop Gabrielle and got a handful of Aidan's skin from the top of his head. "Tell me you heard them!"

"Owwww! Let go of my head," Aidan yelled.

"I want out of your hole!" Najara screamed at him. "And The Jinn want out, too!"

_**We do. We want out. This place sucks. There's not even any good food here.** _

A moment later Najara disappeared.

"Oh good," Alti said, throwing Aidan's Mz. Warlord magazine at him. "I almost had to curse her. I really hate doing that when it's not a mortal enemy, ya know?"

"I hear ya," Aidan said, rubbing his injured bald head.

Five minutes later Xena and Ares emerged from the bathingroom, and into the yard. Xena looked at Joxer, then looked at Gabrielle. Her gaze then wandered to Aidan's garden gnomes. She snickered.

"He's a gnome lover. I had a ton of _them_ in my army," she said.

Ares moved one of the giant shoes with his foot hearing a squish as he did it. "What died?"

"Some Gab spiders," Alti informed him.

"Was Najara under there?" Xena sat down in Alti's unoccupied lawn chair.

"No." Alti pushed her out of her lawn chair, and sat back down on it.

"Damn." Xena sat against the poplar tree. "Why does Gabrielle look like she's constipated?" She thought about it, "Oh wait, she ate Joxer's root soup for lunch. I told her to stay away from that."

Ares waved his hand at Gabrielle's inanimate form. "I suppose you want me to bring her back to life now, right?"

Xena waved him away. "No, she's always telling me to feel the beauty of nature. She might as well get a little weathered ... maybe get crapped on by a few finches. Gab hasn't gotten in touch with nature in a while."

"How evil. It's almost enough to make me like you again," Alti said. "Now," she handed Xena a mead that Aidan had made appear with his mind, "What's your mother's name? I have a list of peoples souls that I need to enslave and I'm just plumb out of a good supply. What do you say?"

"How about Toris? That's my wimpy ass run they're going to kill us brother."

"He'll do."

"Good, leave my mother alone."

"Of course. Hey, check out this outfit Aidan's India Express card is going to buy me. Do you want a new outfit? Go ahead, it's on him."

* * *

Alti woke up. She turned on her side and sniffed the air. The familiar smell of putrid, rotting flesh circulated through her yurt, and her skull pillow was hard and unyielding underneath her head. She checked her deadometer. Yep, still dead.

Mikos, one of her dead thugs, lifted the flap to her yurt. "Alti, you ever going to get up?"

Alti rubbed her head, ripping beads off of the congealed blood they were stuck to. "Sonofagoodshamaness!" She got out of her bed and tripped over a dead deer. "How long have I been asleep?"

"Two days. Nothing would rise you. Are you okay, O'Ye of Evilness?"

"No, I'm not okay, fool. I just spent all that time in someone else's dream world, because it sure as Hades wasn't mine. I really hate that."

"Well anything is better than being dead, isn't it?"

"Get out of my yurt. I wish we weren't dead so I could enslave your soul all over again."

....

Gabrielle, Xena and Joxer all woke up at the same time.

"Ugh!" Xena got up from the cold ground and retrieved her water bag.

"Did we all..." Gabrielle started, "Did we all have the same dream?"

"I was orange!" Joxer said. "I looked like a tiger with jaundice and no stripes."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, "And you were with Ares, Xena."

"Why was Najara there?" Xena asked smoothly changing the subject. "It was someone's dreamscape, but I wasn't controlling it. I doubt it was Alti, but her evil does seem to be everywhere. And Aidan I don't understand. They're supposed to be dead."

"Oh please Xena, we've been dead how many times? I wouldn't be surprised if they were together in a spiritual realm somewhere teaming up against us. And Najara knows about everything we did in India." Gabrielle yawned. "I kind of bent her ear off with my tales of Aidan and Alti. It was probably her."

"Uh, you guys, she's in a coma, remember?"

"Yeah, we remember Joxer." Xena arched a brow. "But I wouldn't put it past the brain-dead harpy to screw with us like that."

Gabrielle popped a 'shroom in her mouth. "Why wonder? It's over. I'm going to go hug that tree over there. It looks kind of lonely."

"Gabby, I'm lonely! Hug me."

"Um, no thanks."

...

The missionaries stared in awe at the comatose woman that had been laying on the same pallet for over a month. She had barely blinked the entire time she had been with them, but now the woman they only knew as Najara snuggled contently in her blankets with a satisfied smirk.

One of the more youthful missionaries managed to look away from the odd sight. "That must've been one bitchin' dream."

 

 

The End


End file.
